To quote ZB, it'll be D-day plus 1 although I have no idea how this makes any sense. hehe. *grins* Been trying not to think about my results lately but I really can't help the occasional quickening of the heartbeat when the thought of IT comes floating through my mind. Halfway through playing Blooming Flowers (the latest game I'm hooked on currently...http://www.miniclip.com/bloominggardens.htm...Have a go? hehe) the thought would just come and I'll suddenly find myself thinking through all the possible options. I can't help but to question.

 

Would it be bad?

Would it be dissapointing?

 

Would it be satisfying?

 

Would it be good?

 

Would it be excellent?

 

Would it be neither good nor bad?

 

Would it be shocking?

 

What would it be like? I can just imagine. There are so many possibilities. Then after that, the avalanche doesn't stop there....

 

How would I react?

 

Would I be happy with whatever I get?

 

Would I be sad and reject all invitations to party?

 

Would I not care about my results and enjoy life as it is?

 

SOooOOOo many things to think about and yet I don't want to. I refuse to think and yet it comes slinking into my mind just like a thief in the middle of the night. I can't stand this. I wish for this to be over and yet I don't want my holiday to end. Jamie told me I'm weird when I told her I wasn't ready for my holidays to end...She said that most people would say that they aren't ready to recieve their results. Maybe I think differently. Its not a problem recieving the results...Its more of the pre-recieving results and post that matters more I guess. Sometimes the present is soooo much better than the pre- or post- don't you think? Like exams for example. The pre-exam namely studying kinda sucks especially when you know you have a ton more to study before it starts and the post-exam which is worrying what you would get a.k.a. your results. The actual event itself is not so bad. Considering you have actually studied and done your part la or else it'll just be as bad. hehe. Its the preparing of a meal and washing up of dishes that sucks not the dinner itself.

 

After going through so many exams people probably might just get used to this but NooOOoOoOo...The anxiousIcan'twait feeling always comes back to haunt us. I wonder how long more would I have to go through all these....A lifetime? It doesn't just end at school. It happens at the workplace too just with different stuff like the suspense while waiting for your boss to approve your pitch knowing that if you pulled through, you might just get that promotion you've been waiting for. Even out of the work scene it happens too. Waiting for medical test results to confirm whether you have some disease gives you that nauseating feeling as well. Feeling your heart trying to pound its way out of your chest isn't exactly the best feeling in the world.

 

Everyone tells me not to worry but I can't help it. I mean, you just can't stop a feeling just like that can you? I'm really trying here and yet it doesn't seem to be working much as the clock ticks.

 

On a different note, I've been having some good reads lately. Wild swans, Angels and Demons and currenty the divine comedy by Dante. The Divine Comedy is a little chim for me with parts I don't really understand but its quite interesting as a whole. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't be reading a book like this but considering I needed to take my mind off things, I decided to give it a try. No harm venturing into the unknown realms of such a chim book right? hehe. *grins* However, the sweltering hot weather now doesn't really provide the ideal conditions to read a book and therefore it explains why I'm here pouring my feelings out onto a machine by simply creating little movements with my fingers.

 

Since I have nothing else to do, I shall give you my opinions on the books I've read....

 

Wild swans was....boring. haha. It started off quite boring as the author needed to give the reader a background of the story and seeing that History isn't exactly my favourite subject, I naturally would find it all quite mundane. Anyway, it got more interesting in the end and I must say it was (to a certain extent!) quite enjoyable. I would not, however, venture to give it a second read. hahaha. I have had enough history for awhile even though its China's history. China=where my ancestors came from. I don't really have the desire to understand and FEEL what my ancestors went through especially since I never knew who they were at all. haha. Told you I didn't like history. hehe. *grins*

 

Angels and Demons was totally different from wild swans. For one thing, its set in a totally different century. haha. Plus it has that thrilling edge to it. Yeah, it was quite exciting and I couldn't wait to turn the pages as I read it. At one point, I had to literally put down the book to calm myself down. haha. Dan Brown is quite good I must say considering he managed to get me sucked into the story itself. hehe. However, I don't really approve of the religious aspect of the book. I'm not sure whether what he depicts in the book is true or not but yeah, I can't say I'm very comfortable with the image he presents of the Catholic church. Not that I'm against the church or anything. hehe.

 

Wow, I don't think I've done such a long entry before. Sigh. Blame it on the nerves man...Actually I have more thoughts on my mind but yeah, shall leave it for another time. Shall not swamp this place full of my many thoughts. hehe.

 

Adios

*bleah*

 

*double bleah*

 

*triple bleah*

 

Just blogged about my results and ta-da! I got the announcement that it'll be out on the oh-so-doomed-wednesday. hehe. Not exactly looking forward to it but yeah, can't wait for it to be over also. Sigh. Another of those controdicting feelings. Don't you just hate them? haha.

 

Anyways, to those who are expecting me to panic and run around naked to release my pentupforsolong tension, I shall do nothing of the sort. I shall remain calm. I shall have peace within me....hahaha. I sound sooooo zen don't you think? But yeah, I've given it all to God and this time I really mean it. Other than the initial quickening of heartbeat when I first saw the results, I shall just dwell in the peace of God and relaxxxxxxxxxxxxxx. It's just results after all right?

 

hee

 

 

Just woke up....

 

Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't be awake at all at this ungodly time...It's darn early la!!! 1034 only! (For those who are complaining out there, I'm on holiday k? *grins*) Mun came back from somewhere around 930 and woke me up. For those who know me well, once I'm up, I'm up. It sucks la. I wanna sleep!!!! PLUS she had to go away for some meeting so I'm left all alone with no one to amuse me and no one to accompany me. *bleah* HOWEVER its not so bad cos she bought me a hot dog (my favourite!!!) and therefore I forgive her. hur hur.

 

Anyway, results would be out soon and I guess I would have to make my decisions fast lo. Sighs. Can't really imagine myself as a Uni student actually. Hmmm...interesting. hehe. *wink wink* Sucks la. My holiday would soon be over. Once results are out, there are sooooo many things to be done eg essays, my already pilinguponme work, applications bla bla bla. If only I could snap my fingers and everything would be done all by itself! hahahaha *snaps fingers in vain but to no avail* hmmph!

 

I wish I was in a storybook. At least my story would have already been written out for me.

I'm starting to get sappy.

 

Was listening to some sap song just now while browsing through different blogs and chatting to my cousin. Just listening to such sappy tunes makes me get all mistyeyed and stuff. Different thoughts swept through my mind as I listened and NO I didn't cry. hehe.

 

Did you realise that as we grow older, the years seem to pass faster? I was discussing with my cousin on the subject and she said that maybe we have more activities. Then again, it might be the fact that the ratio grows larger each year. Its like that, when you're 17, one year out of 17 won't seem as much as one year out of say, 8? Something like that. Maybe I just like to think in a Mathematical way. hehe. WHatever it is though, time is constantly speeding up and I feel that sometimes I need to catch up with time. In a blink of an eye, my jc life is over and in another blink of the eye, my results are coming out soon. In a few days time, I would have to make decisions. Decisions I have postponed many times over. Decisions I hate to make but know that I can never run away from it.

 

Sometimes I find that time goes so fast that I can't enjoy it slowly. I can't get to savour every moment thoroughly. I can't take time to smell the roses. *zoom* Its gone! Ahhhh!!!! I missed the moment! IT HAPPENS. I should just live up to it and not be a drama-mama.

 

Anyway, I'm quite bored sitting here doing nothing. Lately sitting around doing nothing seems to be the only thing I'm doing a LOT. Sigh. When will this end? SOON I guess and in ANOTHER blink of the eye, I"ll be whisked off to Uni already. Brrrr....

And to add to all that, there's also the expectations.

 

Expectations to do something great. To achieve something in life. To set a excellent example to my siblings. To make my my family proud. To.......*argh*

 

I hate this.

Needless to say, I'm bored. There, I said it.

 

Judging by the amount of baking I have done in the past few weeks, I think I can open a bakery already plus win an award for baking the most cookies in such a short period of time. haha. Mostly were for my mom to give away for Chinese New Year though so rest assured, not all went into my digestive system and duly translated into fats. hehehe. I did gain some weight though.....*trails off*

 

When I think of what I want to do with my life in the future eg Uni, work etc, my mind just goes blank. Throughout the whole of Chinese New Year when I went visiting (about 30+ houses), one of the faq was my future direction in life. I'm sorry to say people, that I have none. I mean, seriously. I've gone through this once before and now I'm going through it once again. I managed to stall the decision making process the last time by going for a 'safe' pre-u course but now that its over, I have to face the music. It sucks. It sucks not knowing what you want to do in life when there are other people envying you for being so blessed to be able to choose when they themselves have no option given their circumstances. It sucks too looking at those whose ambition is so great but is then crushed by the selection process of the different universities through rejection. It sucks to see those who are not fairly interested in a course of study forced to undergo it when other options may be considered. It sucks to see people live up to their parents' dreams and not their own. It sucks to see all this happening and still only think about you own dire situation.

 

I know there are many more out there who has had it worse than me but right now I'm kinda lost. I don't want to do something I 'think' I know I want but I don't. I don't want to be a 'people pleaser' anymore but be my own self. However, after all these years, the question is, who am I? Sadly to say, I don't even know it myself. How I wish I did know. How I wish I had this ambition so great I would go all out to achieve it and once I do, feel that ounce of satisfaction. How I wish.

 

Everyone says to take my time but what if I don't ever find out what to do? What if I just waste my life away like that when I could have pursued other things and contributed to society? What if? What if? What if? Mum suggested I start working first before studying to find out where my passion really lies but seriously, I don't really feel like doing that. I think its insecurity. I'm scared. Sometimes, I'm scared to venture out into the open because I don't know what is lying in store for me. I like living in the confort zone but I know that is going to get me nowhere. There are many things that I 'know' but I'm either too scared or just don't want to carry out. I'm not an adventurous person by nature and might never be one.

 

So many questions and so little answers. Or rather, there are answers but answers I wouldn't accept. This is something I would have to deal with.